Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
