the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
