Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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