she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
