i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
