sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
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Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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