I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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