everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
