my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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