I have demons in me.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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