Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
