Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
