My first STD was from a foam party
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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