is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
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That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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