Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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