Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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