I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
