I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
