i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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