Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
