We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
