My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
