I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
