Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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