oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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