u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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