If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I looked at my own cervix.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
