I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
