I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
