vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
