I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God, you're like boner-b-gone
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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