Your face is a jimmy john
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
