Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
