If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
