I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
