I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
