cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am