Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
