he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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