saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
