I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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