I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
