Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
