I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
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Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
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I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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