I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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