I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
