He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
