I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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