I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
