he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
