I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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